I was going to start this piece with the words, "have you ever considered how easy it would be to kill yourself." But in connection with the same theme of thought, I reconsidered. Really, perhaps it's not that easy after all. I don't have access to a gun of any description. I don't have a car in which to gas myself. Several of the more common suicide methods simply don't appeal, and suddenly I'm left with rather limited options. I mean, I don't fancy throwing myself off any structure, or in front of a moving train. Too messy and uncertain. Additionally, death by drowning is unappealing at this time of year due to the low water temperatures. Wrist slitting or self-mutilation of any description is always going to be messy. And it's not my place to mess up out of interest. What's left? Shit, I'm having to think… Overdosing? No, no good. Don't have access to drugs, other than a few leftover throat infection antibiotics. And how far would a few panadol get me? As far as I can tell, I'm left with electrocution (bathtub scenario. Though no toaster, so laptop would have to do; but then that would make it an expensive exercise) Perhaps self-ignition. But I tend to think this alternative unappealingly painful. What's the outcome of all this then? Indecision. Story of my life. Might just have to wait a week or two and see how I feel then. In the mean time, I could always invest in a car and hoover, or perhaps a shotgun, and, if prudent, do the rounds of local pharmacies. What the fuck. I've lost the urge now anyway. See the drawback of distraction!

I have a brother. A couple of years younger than me. I've never really felt I have known the guy that well. Though I'm prepared to accept this is largely my fault following years of general harassment and put-downs. Sure, most would argue that such interaction is par for the course. But even if this is so, it doesn't remove my sense of culpability for the destruction of our relationship. Though I don't think my family situation over the years was overly tortuous (discounting years 17 through 19), there was always certainly, in my mind, aspects of dysfunction. Again, relatively speaking, we survived. But where we are at today in personal relations is the absolute product of all those years. I'm always the first to concede that I for one of the Gibbons five carry excess emotional baggage. I'll contribute some of this outcome to the "black sheep/middle child" syndrome. I think I devised my own theory of family interrelationships, their cause and effect, a while back. But can't remember the product. Too bad.

So, of the relationships I share with each member of my immediate family, it has always been that with my brother which brought me the most disappointment and regret. My fault all the way down the line. But, things are looking up. It took 28 years, but recently things turned.

My brother met who I believe to have been his first girlfriend about 7 years ago. They started dating and after a period became engaged. I remember thinking at the time of the announced engagement, typical that the "black sheep" should be dragging the chain yet again, given my other sibling was already married with a baby daughter. Not that it bothered me much; just tied in with the theme of my life. I never knew my brother's fiancée very well at all. The basics were that my parents disliked the woman (she never visited… though they were always incapable of gaining a realistic insight as to the reason for this), and I formed the opinion that she was bossy and wore the pants in the relationship. Aside from this, I had very little to do with my brother and his love life. They co-owned a house and seemed content.

I was flatting in Grey Lynn when I returned home one night to receive a message from my hopeless flatmate, that my brother had called and that it was rather urgent. Now it was not every day that I received a phone call from my brother.

Actually it probably seems logical that the only time I probably would have received a phone call from my brother was over a matter of importance or urgency. So this was big news.

I phoned my brother's house and got his fiancée's mother on the line. She rather timidly responded to my query of the "urgent" matter by telling me that Paul and Linda had split up. The bombshell exploded immediately above my head. Even the rock I had immediately crawled under didn't offer much protection. I just felt that by my having spoken to my brother's ex-mother-in-law I had inadvertently cocked up in two ways. Firstly, I had blown any bro to bro intimacy I might have liked to have fostered at such a time, and secondly, I had my much desired naivety in the matter shot to bits there and then, eliminating the opportunity to genuinely play dumb should I be speaking directly with my brother in the extreme near future. No big deal I guess.

So I hastily ended the call as best I could without making it apparent I didn't really give a hoot about daughter and mother-in-law. At least in comparison to the empathy I suddenly felt for my brother. Poor guy. I very quickly became increasingly concerned for the man. How was he taking it? What a devastating thing to have happened. And importantly, finally a genuine chance had arisen for me, the older brother, wise and solid, to lend emotional support and logistics control. He'd obviously be needing a place to stay, so as to allow time to sort himself out. He'd be needing food, rest and relaxation and someone levelheaded enough to talk strategy with. Stuff like finances, methods of future "ex" interaction and means of communication, etc. All the practical stuff. He'll be needing a secure and compassionate shoulder to cry on for a while. I was the man. Yeah, I was there dude. Bring on the devastation I said!

I think I may have spoken to Dad first. But from memory he wasn't giving the game away, out of some misguided sense of discretion and integrity. Eventually I got a hold of my brother, that same night, whereupon he slapped me with an even bigger bombshell than that I'd copped earlier in the evening. He'd dumped her! "WHAT?" I cried. I was simply stunned. But then I had visions of interested persons' jaws hitting the floor all over town. To me it was staggering news. Upon becoming aware of the break-up I had immediately assumed, incorrectly of course, that it was poor Paulie getting kicked in the teeth by his fiancée. After all, wasn't that what the guy was always used to from me and others? And despite their blissful ignorance, Mum and Dad? And, as embarrassing as it is to admit, one of my earliest thoughts on the matter was, "how's he gonna find himself another girl?" Man, what a fuckwit was I. But there is an upside. Such an event has the impact of jolting minds like mine out of their complacency and acceptance of purely incorrect facts and assumptions. That's a revelation.

But I do have to say that I think the post split revelations have been a two-way street. Just as I have made an effort and eagerly sought to explore my brother as the person I've never known, and over whom I have held character assumptions, never to be challenged, his prejudices too have undergone change. And to be honest, my brother's breaking up with his woman has been the best damn thing that's ever happened to our relationship. We've been hanging out together, on the phone to each other and taking a genuine interest in each other's lives. It has been both fun and I guess, thinking about it, a huge load off my sense of guilt. Whether this is right or wrong, it has been the direct result of recent events. Everything good that has happened between my brother and I as a result has been totally genuine. We have both wanted to re-find each other I believe. Corny and "American chat show-ish as it sounds, it's true. So any emotional impact I get is real. If this means the righting of past wrongs, then bring it on. Life can only move forward. My brother and I have had more direct and constructive contact over the last five months than we have over the previous 28 years of his existence. From this point on, even if either, or both have our attention refocuses on our personal relationships, we still have truth and new vision. The future looks bright.

Copyright © Anthony Gibbons 2000.