| So here
I am, still sitting, staring into my LCD, eyeballs falling out
all over the table, brain in a fuzz and generally achieving
little. But then, that's computers for ya! See, by the time
you sought out all the mechanics of using a computer you find
you've lost interest in the original reason for sitting down
with the damn thing in the first place. Computers are effectively
therefore, "enthusiasm suckers". It's kind of like
being an astronaut. You know; the very nature of astronaut stuff
means it's never a sure bet as to when you're actually going
to blast off. Those astronauts eh; spend hours climbing into
their taylor-made space suits, tucking here, trimming there,
attach a pipe here and a wire there, excited as hell; climb
that dirty great tower, waving to the hordes of family and well
wishers a couple of miles away in the grandstand; snuggle into
their cockpit seat 30 floors up, hook up a few dozen more tubes,
wires and pipes; harness themselves in tightly; sit there holding
their breath as the timer hits the 10 second mark…10…9…8…7…
Houston….. we have a problem! So out scrambles the poor
astronaut, pissed off, making his way back to the locker room.
And hey, the company's lost another 10 million for the day.
Yeah man… that's frustration!
It's where you're poised, plan of action all mapped out with
grandiose ideas swarming around in your head, then splat,
you've farted about so long just trying to make it to the
start line that the moment is lost. You've been sucked of
enthusiasm!
Has it ever occurred to you, that maybe you're not the well-rounded
individual you always assumed you were?
In fact the concept isn't too dissimilar to that of tragedy.
You see tragedy "always" happens to someone else.
You've always thought that developing into a weirdo was something
that always happened to others. You know you're not a weirdo.
But then tragedy strikes. The thought hits. Suddenly, for
the first time in your entire life the thought seeps out of
your brain and into your consciousness. You think to yourself,
"maybe I'm not really well-rounded." Maybe I'm one
of "thoooooose".
Human nature produces the very next thought to expectedly
seep out of your brain, tail-gating the former… "How
the fuck could this have happened?" You've always thought
of yourself as intelligent, which you reasonably are, and
interactive with others. But there's more to this picture.
Trouble is, putting your finger on what the "more"
part is exactly, is no easy task. You just don't know what
the more is. And despite my writing this stuff, frankly, neither
do I. So to demoralise you a tad, if you're reading my words
for answers, you are unlikely to get 'em. I'm only writing
this stuff because I don't get it either. All I'm left to
do is live with the fact that I don't see myself as "well-rounded"
and explore my inner self as to why.
The funny thing is that you know all your life you've been
getting regular hints that something wasn't quite right. It's
not so much that you ignored these hints, but just thought
little of them. And really, does any one of us believe for
a moment that knowing the truth would have made any difference
anyway? Nope! It's like living with a clubfoot all your life,
or perhaps even dwarfism. You have it, it's you and you can't
do a damned thing about it. Trouble is, personality issues
are fiendishly deceptive and all round sneaky. Never has a
cliché ever been more appropriate than the classic,
"you're always the last to know." Tell me about
it. To be honest, it took me 30 years to notice!
Copyright © Anthony
Gibbons 2000.
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